Torture

My wife has been hounding me for some time to go visit the local dungeon and torture chamber she calls the dentist's office. I brush vigorously daily and having no tooth aches did not feel I needed to be subjected to pain causing instruments only dreamed about by despotic world dictators and their henchmen. I had not been to the tooth doctor in over a decade and finally after months of nagging I was removed from the conversation and decision making all together. My wife finally took things into her own hands and secretly made appointments for both of us for the same day.

Knowing I wouldn't willing go to the dentist with her she lured me into the car with the promise of dropping off the kids at the babysitter's. We would have some time to ourselves for once she promised. Like a dog who thinks he's being driven to the park to go chase tennis balls instead of going to the vet for a rabies shot I jumped in the car. That was a mistake. The doors locked all around me but I wasn't yet concerned. Not until after we dropped off the kids. It was then I realized we weren't headed toward the movie theater or a restaurant. We were going the wrong direction. Panic rose as I realized where she was taking me. Oh how I had been betrayed.

We pulled into the parking lot and having no other choice it was into the waiting room. Being a new patient I had to fill out a ream of paperwork. That being taken care of my name was called and I was led into the depths of the dungeon. I could see the horror in the eyes of the other "patients" already being worked over. After some time waiting I was subjected to a large dose of radiation. The x-rays revealed one cavity. Not bad for ten plus years of no dental appointments! Then the head man himself came in and began poking around inside my mouth. He told me he had found four other smaller cavities which had not shown up on the x-ray. Still not bad I thought so let's get these things taken care of so I can go live another ten peaceful years.

Skip forward to the treatment. Two people in masks hovering overhead. The whiny sound of a spinning drill. My jaw stretched open wide beyond its limits. The dentist is drilling away and I notice smoke billowing out of my mouth. I can actually smell burning teeth. Is this supposed to be happening I want to ask, but cannot speak nor can I break into his conversation about the last episode of HBO's Big Love. My mouth is potentially on fire and they are discussing a television show about fundamentalist Mormon polygamists. Maybe it will set off the smoke detector and someone will take notice. No such luck and suddenly I feel a sharp pain and start kicking my leg to get the doc's attention. "Sorry about that" he says and mutters something about the speed of that drill causing heat but a different drill will help. He's back in my mouth and I feel like my head it being jackhammered from the inside out. Had I been an enemy combatant in Guantanamo I would have been screaming the location of Osama Bin Laden and pledging my allegiance to baseball, apple pie, crappy reality TV and obesity caused by a sedentary lifestyle. The all American combo. Eventually the drilling, jackhammering, and jaw stretching ceased and my cavities were filled. Now that George W. is out of office maybe we can do something about government sanctioned torture. I suggest starting with a bunch of guys who like to hand out floss and toothbrushes.